timscience: (darwin)
Got a phone call from the Kirby service centre (if you've been reading this journal a while you may remember the Kirby from this post). They asked me if I was up for an ultra cheap Kirby service. I said thanks, but I had had one done recently, and it had turned out to be not so cheap as the parts weren't free and he spent an hour trying to sell us a new machine.

Anyway, it turns out that this guy had been the EVIL KIRBY FRANCHISE. It seems that some years back an evil man who everyone had trusted had killed the king and placed their incestuous son on the throne instead STOLEN THE DATABASE and sold it on to an evil company in Bristol who were not the real Kirby company. They had done this while the managing director of the good Kirby company was busy mourning the injury of his son who had mysteriously fallen from the roof at his mother's funeral. The man on the phone said the evil man was a sick sick person as opposed to the GOOD Kirby company who are loyal to the true heir.

The good Kirby company said that they were marching on King's Landing taking the evil Kirby company to trading standards and in the meantime would I like to declare them the King in the North take a service contract from them. I politely declined as I fear the intervention of a fireproof psychotic princess who can command dragons.
timscience: (toys_mr atomic)
We've been here a week now and the place is slowly transforming into *ours* rather than *somebody else's which we are living in*. Part of this process has involved Putting Up Shelves, which in turn involves
- a hammer drill with an alarming habit of loosening its chuck at critical moments.
- a suprising amount of money being spent on what is, after all, a very simple set of items (upright rails, brackets, melamine board and/or pine planks).
- the discovery that Homebase will not saw spruce to length ("it has knots, you see"). Apparently they don't sell that much of it. I wonder why.
- swearing.
- an immense amount of plaster/brick dust.
- the discovery that neither our skirting board nor our ceiling are horizontal except in a very loose sense of the word.
- more swearing.

Now, it turns out that a mixture of cat hair and brick dust will totally block a baby Vax within approx 1 nanosecond. Fortunately, we visited my mum at the weekend (she is recovering from a hip operation but seems to be mending nicely and was keen to show us her X-rays). My mum has a Kirby (TM).

Still Life with Kirby (TM) and shelves

Kirbys (TM) are basically industrial cleaning systems that get mis-sold to householders. Kirby (TM) salesmen are legendary for their persistence and powers of persuasion. The story goes that my mum left the house for a hair appointment just as a salesman called. She left strict instructions to my dad to NOT BUY IT on the not unreasonable grounds that it cost £900. When she returned my Dad was looking very smug, and the Kirby (TM) was sitting malevolently on the carpet.

In its defence, I can report that the Kirby (TM) does not fuck about. Teasel fears it, and he is right to do so. So powerful is the suction and so heavy is the cleaner that it needs drive assist. As it is therefore essentially a motor vehicle, it is only fitting that it has a headlight. It has a fearsome array of accessories, including an orbital sander and, I shit you not, a massager (worryingly, these share the same attachment and differ only in whether you atttach sandpaper or a vinyl pad to it).

If you doubt me on this I will start posting scans of the manual.

Anyway, the shelves are up. The Kirby (TM) disposed of the brick dust with comtemptuous ease. I just can't imagine when you'd use one domestically, except for just-moved-in situations. I will have to return it eventually. In the meantime I'm ensuring I know Teasel's whereabouts at all times.

May 2017

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